I was inspired to start blogging by a former teacher at Battlefield. I never had her as a teacher when I was in high school.. honestly, I doubt she even knows who I am. I, too, didn’t know much about her…I just knew she was married to another teacher at Battlefield. I remember thinking how cute they were as a couple. They just looked like the kind of couple that gets married and has the perfect wedding and make perfect beautiful babies and move into a beautiful house with the white picket fence. Eventually, they both left Battlefield and I never heard about them again.
That all changed a little over a year ago. Their family had just lost almost everything in a house fire and many of my former classmates were trying to help raise money for them. Through their posts, I happened to stumble upon her blog and ever since then, I’ve just kept reading. Her blog is called “Walking Barefoot” and its all about what she calls her “mess”. She writes about her vulnerabilities and weaknesses and all of the things that she considers her shortcomings.. and I so admire her for that. I admire her for the fact that she is willing to put it all out there and showcase her faults. I think so often we all try to pretend that we live this nice, perfect, fairy tale life when none of us are perfect. Every “perfect” family and person has their own “mess” and instead of sharing that with each other we build up these walls because we are so afraid of what people’s reactions will be when they find out that we might actually be human.
When I started this blog, I started it with every intention of trying to follow in her footsteps.. I wanted to put myself out there more and show people the side of me that I usually keep to my close friends… or most often, just myself. I wanted to let people see the issues I deal with so that if they are dealing with those issues, they could know they’re not alone. I honestly must’ve been drunk or something because I clearly could not have been in the right frame of mind. I’m the kind of girl that keeps 99% of my feelings inside. I am so afraid of showing people emotions because in my mind, that’s giving them some power that they could potentially use against me…or worse, they might not like the real KK that exists under there that has a whole bunch of “messiness” inside… so instead I started writing about my goals & things I’m learning about myself… which isn’t a bad thing or “wrong”.. but it is definitely me avoiding the uncomfortable.
So today I’m going to do something new… I’m going to take very, VERY small baby steps because you have to start somewhere, right? I’m going to tell you that really, this week has been a really rough week for me and that I’ve been very unhappy and very emotional… I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal struggles and although the only one I’m ready to talk to is God, I really could use some positive vibes right about now. (So that being said, please no calls or texts or comments… I don’t mean that to be mean, I just know it’ll push me back into my “shell” however, prayers & positive thoughts are much appreciated :)… I said baby steps, right?).
It’s ironic because last week I was talking to my dad and joking about how sometimes I feel like if I stay in Richmond, I will be single for the rest of my life. Even though I was COMPLETELY kidding (well, maybe not completely) my dad told me I should go read the posting he had just put on his Facebook. That night, once I got home, I clicked the link but got distracted and never read it… Tonight, 11 days later, I was cleaning up my internet tabs and happened to see it so I finally decided to read it.
The post was talking about Jeremiah 29:11 which states “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” It said that most people read the verse and take it out of context. We read it and think that God is saying if we follow him, he will give us a life full of prosperity and wealth when really what that verse is saying is that he will never abandon us… even though sometimes we may not feel like he’s there. As I read the post I just found it so amazing that a post my dad had told me to read 11 days ago for a completely different reason could speak the words that I so desperately needed to hear after the past few days.
God, you are so amazing and I thank you for never abandoning me.